Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
