I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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