I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize