Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
