It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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