I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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