smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
