I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
