I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
