nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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