mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
