Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
