What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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