3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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