In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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