Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
