worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
