it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
