i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
