When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
