shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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