I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
