Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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