did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
