yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
