when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
