Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
