There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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