Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
