I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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