I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Quick, to the slutcave!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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