The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I can't turn off my feet"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize