If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
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