I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
