guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize