All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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