If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
