I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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