if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
