Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't deserve a penis
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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