He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
