I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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