I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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