my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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