I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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