If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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