I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
