Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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