At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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