i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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