Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
