I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
