Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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