i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
