I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
