I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize