the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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