I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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