I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you didnt know i had herpes?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
