Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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