We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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