So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
