And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
