Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
