It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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