I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize