i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
