he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
