Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
